I've been afraid for a long time
Maybe it's time to choose a different door?
This weekend, my daughter played in her first tennis tournament, which also happened to be her first tennis match and her second time picking up a racquet.
She learned how to score on the car trip over and found out, at the end of the first match, you’re allowed to move out of your service box. Her friend taught her how to hit between the first and second match and how to serve between the second and third.
And, you know what? By the end of the day, she was returning serves regularly. Plus, she got 6 or 7 serves over the net and she won several points for her team.
Sure, she missed a lot of hits, a lot of her serves didn’t make it over, and she had a pretty dramatic spill at one point, but, she was DOING IT.
In the car, on the way home, all of her emotions came tumbling out. She started sobbing from holding in her worry all day and then started laughing because she couldn’t believe she had done it. It was everything, all at once, just as it should be.
I’m still totally floored by her audacity. To jump head first into a sport you’ve never played? To learn on the fly? To hold yourself together through a roller coaster of mistakes and falls and expectations?
She’s absolutely inspiring.
I’ve been afraid for a long time.
Afraid of saying the wrong thing. Of taking up too much space. Of making the wrong decision and looking like a fool. Of outgrowing people I love. Of disappointing people. Of trying and failing and then having proof that I wasn’t what I hoped.
So, I’ve kept myself small. Filled my life up with to dos and have tos. Avoided making meaningful leaps because of other people’s commitments. Supported and cheered on while putting off and making excuses.
And still it won’t go away. The nudging, the niggling that there is more. That what I want and yearn for is just around the corner.
It sticks, no matter how hard I try to tire it out with other people’s needs and wants.
I read Abby Jimenez’s new book “The Night We Met” over the weekend.
Larissa, the main character, is intent on opening up new (metaphorical) doors in her life. Most people keep going through the same doors because they’re known, comfortable, safe, she says, but the way to change your life is to choose a door you’ve never opened before.
What if I walked through the door where I went all in?
The one place I’ve been consistent over the years is with my Fill Me Ups, the 5 small things I do every day to make sure I’m mentally sound enough to raise a family with joy and peace.
I don’t think about them, I do them. Every day, no matter what.
I take action, on the daily, even thought it’s a tiny movement, to make my life look like how I want it to look.
If I think about what I really want, it’s this Substack.
Maybe not the actual Substack, but what it represents. The writing, the community, helping other people with what I’ve learned and am learning, being visible, sharing joy and fun, working actively and consistently to make the world a better, kinder place.
It’ll be messy, I’m sure. I’ll have to learn by doing and my family will have to deal with combusting emotions on the regular, but it’s time.
I don’t want to be the kid on the sidelines too afraid to step on the court because I might make a fool of myself and fall on my face.
I want to be my daughter. Brilliant in her trying, undaunted in her falling, fully in her life all the way through.
Love this Kara! Can't wait to see you go through those doors! Beth xx