How to support a friend who's going through a crisis
9 ideas + the one thing to NEVER say
Several years ago, my family went through a completely bonkers, traumatic event. Our entire world was turned completely upside down in a matter of minutes.
What kept us (or me, anyway) from going into free fall was the people. All the friends who stopped by, texted and called, donated money, mowed the lawn, made meals, watched the kids - it was the difference between despair and believing things would get better.
As I’ve been watching the LA fires this week, I keep thinking there are so many people whose lives shifted in mere moments and will never be the same. For the rest of us, though, it can be hard to know what to do and how to be a good friend.
So, I thought I’d put together some helpful tips on how to support someone going through a traumatic event. This list is by no means exhaustive (please add your helpful tips in the comments!), but hopefully it takes some worry out of wondering what you should do or say.
HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR FRIENDS WHO ARE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING BIG
👉 Offer specific help.
I can’t fully convey the magnitude of tasks that happen with a traumatic event. It’s like your to do list left for a sleepover as an 11-year old boy and came back as 2001 Arnold Schwarzenegger. IT’S MIND-BOGGLING.
For example, the LA fire victims suddenly have to come up with a place to live, find new clothes to wear, figure out what to eat (and where), file insurance claims, make lists of everything they owned, entertain their kids who are traumatized and probably bored, figure out where their kids are going to go to school, decide if they want to stay in LA, find Internet that works, and a million other things I can’t comprehend.
You’re suddenly making 947 decisions a day, often regarding topics you know nothing about.
So, while offers of “I’m here to help” are wonderful, it can feel completely overwhelming to have to figure out HOW people can help.
Instead, offer something specific like:
watching the kids for a day (This is THE MOST helpful because the kids often need a break too!)
telling them you’ll bring dinner and / or asking if you can set up a Meal Train
sitting with them and helping go through paperwork
putting them in contact with your friends who might be able to help with their brand-new problems (lawyers, therapists, insurance agents, etc)
setting up a schedule of helpers to take care of household tasks (depending on the situation, it could be gardening, cleaning, laundry, etc. Anything that overwhelms you in regular life takes on gargantuan levels of effort, post-trauma.)
running errands
helping out with work tasks
accompanying them on appointments (I often couldn’t remember what was said so having a brain that worked in the room was very helpful)
What else? Leave your other ideas in the comments!
👉 Homemade meals are really nice.
If you aren’t in your house, you’re probably eating a whole lotta fast food (if you’re remembering to eat at all). So, a homemade meal tastes extra delish and is a much-needed break from hamburgers galore.
👉 You are probably going to mess up.
Ugh, this is the worst, but I want to remind you that you’re a human being and not a robot and sometimes humans say the wrong thing. It feels terrible and gross, but simply admit your mistake, apologize, and keep supporting.
These situations are TOUGH. There’s a reason many friends don’t call - they don’t want to say the wrong thing. But, it is better to show up imperfectly than not at all, I promise! I remember so clearly the people that called and texted and they truly got me through. ❤️
👉 One of the best things, you can do is to listen.
Your friend might be weird and all over the place for awhile. Their entire view of life has been decimated and they’re trying to figure out how to come to terms with this new way of seeing life.
I remember just needing to talk and talk to try and process everything that was going on and I will always be grateful to the friends that sat there patiently and listened to me say the same things over and over.
👉 It’s okay to say “Do you want to talk about it or would you like to talk about something else?”
When you are going through a traumatic event, your brain is ALWAYS thinking about it. So, someone asking doesn’t make you suddenly remember that your house just burned down.
But, sometimes it’s nice to have a break from the constant anxiety. And sometimes you need to obsessively talk about it. And sometimes you really want to do a deep dive into J. Lo’s skincare routine. And then talk more about what just happened.
It really depends on the moment so it never hurts to ask.
👉 Do NOT say “Everything happens for a reason.”
Please, please do not say this phrase. There is nothing worse than being in the middle of a crisis and having people tell you your life has been blown up so the Universe can teach you a lesson.
If your friend (later) wants to find a reason or chooses to grow from the situation, awesome. But, it’s not our job as outsiders to do anything other than offer unconditional love and support.
👉 Money makes everything easier.
There are so many unplanned expenses when something traumatic happens. Everything from lawyer fees to hotel rooms to hospital bills, and the last thing you want to be thinking about is if you can afford to buy this (much needed) latte because you suddenly have a pile of new bills.
Having money in the bank frees up your energy and allows you to more easily take care of the million items that came up, literally, overnight. Ask your friend if they’d like you to set up a GoFundMe or simply Venmo them some money.
👉 Phone calls are really nice.
Maybe this is because I’m Gen X, but hearing people’s voices made me feel extra loved. And if the phone seems too scary (I always feel like I have to text friends before I call to warn them their phone is about to ring), you can always leave a voice text.
👉 Say “you don’t have to get back to me.”
Remember that mountain of tasks, all flashing “URGENT”, that have abruptly appeared in your friend’s life? Yeah, they’re trying really hard to not drown under the weight of them (not to mention all the emotions circling, waiting for their moment to strike).
So, you checking in without expectation is true friendship. It reminds someone they’re loved, but doesn’t add any more pressure.
👉 Keep checking in after the event.
There’s always a surge of activity right after everything goes down, which is truly buoyant and reminds you that you can do this and get through.
But, trauma tends to stick around and often it feels weird to bring up what happened, or even ask for help after the fact, because everyone else seems to have moved on. Your life is completely different and you don’t want to be a downer, but, hey, YOUR LIFE IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
If you want to be their fave friend ever, make a note in your calendar to check in once a month for a long time. Give them space to talk, or be normal, or grieve, or tell jokes, or do whatever they need to do in that particular moment.
Grief and trauma aren’t linear so having someone who’s truly along for the whole ride is an enormous gift.
Is this helpful? And, I’m sure I missed a lot of tips so feel free to add your own in the comments.
Sending you so much love this week,
Kara