10 ways we've made our marriage happier
Almost 20 years together means I'm some sort of expert, right?
The fact my Wednesday post falls on Valentine’s Day this year seemed a little like the Universe begging me to write up a marriage post, so HERE YOU GO, LOVAHS!
Chris and I have been married for almost 15 years at this point and together for almost 20(!) years, which feels like something an old person would say, and then I remember, I’m almost 50. 😳
It has taken us a very long time, lots of therapy, and a plethora of difficult moments to learn how to do this marriage thing in a relatively loving, understanding manner. But, we’re getting better and better at it.
And, that’s the beauty of doing this long-term. You get to keep making improvements and building on what you learn.
So, here we go.
🎉 TEN THINGS WE’VE DONE TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE HAPPIER 🎉
Prioritize things you do on your own that make you happy.
Wait, this is a post about marriage - two people - and we’re kicking it off with get out there and do your own thing?!?!?!? YES!
The best thing we have EVER done for our marriage is to consistently commit to the things that bring us joy as our own individual selves. For my husband, that’s guitar playing and bands. For me, it’s working out and acting or writing.
No matter what we have going on in our lives, we ALWAYS make time for these things, because they remind us of who we are and help us show up as the best version of ourselves. Of course, it’s great to support each other - everyone goes to Chris’ shows and helps me run lines and cheers me on at races - but it’s really about setting aside time to nurture who we are at our core.
Ultimately, it lessens resentment and keeps us grounded in our best selves.
With that, you gotta make time for each other.
I don’t have to tell you, the hustle and bustle of everyday life will EAT UP your marriage if you’re not careful. We’ve had periods of time where our only interactions were exchanging car pool schedules and pointed glares about dirty dishes. Those times tend to end…poorly, shall we say?
But, every time the two of us hang out solo, I’m struck by how cool my husband is and how psyched I am about him.
I remember a time when the kids were little and things were TOUGH. The only time we could find to talk was 10 minutes at 6am before the kids got up. But, taking that time, shifted everything - I felt listened to, he felt connected, we started working as a team again.
Sure, a Mexican vacation is lovely, but sometimes all it takes is a morning sesh in the basement to get back on track.
Go to therapy.
I feel like every couple IN THE WORLD should go to therapy.
You are spending YOUR LIFE with this person and you are going to do things differently, full stop. There are going to be things from your childhood that you drag into the marriage, you might have different values, you might react to situations in totally foreign (to you) ways.
Therapy can give you the tools to speak rationally and start to truly understand each other. For us, the biggest win was breaking patterns we couldn’t find our way out of on our own.
Go to bed mad.
Would you ever tell your kids when they’re out of their head emotionally - probably crying, yelling, putting up a stink - that they need to stay up until they can resolve their feelings? THAT WOULD BE LUDICROUS.
No, you put them to bed and say, “When you wake up, it’ll all look better” because IT ALWAYS DOES.
Same is true for a marriage. Go to bed mad so you can wake up with a different outlook.
And if it’s too early in the day: Take a break and walk around the block or go to Target and cool off.
Have other people to meet your needs.
When Chris and I first started dating, I remember complaining to a friend that, yes, he would listen to my problems, but he wouldn’t do the deep dive / hour long analysis I felt like I required.
She said, “Don’t look to him to meet all your needs.”
BRILLIANT, RIGHT?
I have friends who I analyze emotions with for hours, others that make me laugh really hard, others that want to come over and try on clothes with me on a Saturday night. Why would I assume Chris is going to fulfill all those needs?
Instead, he does the parts that he’s great at and I have a full roster of people who support me in other ways (I’m a high-maintenance gal, what can I say?).
Know your family values
One of the big takeaways from therapy was a list of our family values. This has helped us make decisions about where we should move, what to spend money on, where to travel, and how to spend our time as a family.
We also did our individual values, which was a great exercise in understanding why the other person does what they do.
Talk about each other nicely.
This seems like such a small thing, but it has huge ripples.
I went through an intense period where I threw Chris under the bus a lot. I was mad about a lot of things and so I’d often talk about him in a pretty disparaging manner, which led to my being even more annoyed with him when we were together.
You notice more of what you notice, right?
Now, I don’t speak unkindly about him. I’m not saying I never complain or talk about problems, but I always say how awesome he is, how lucky we are to be married, and highlight his stellar qualities (to him and others!).
And, as you might have guessed, it means I see more of those qualities, he feels better about himself and us, and I remember how lucky I really am.
Marry when you’re older.
This one is kind of stupid, but I just read advice to marry when you’re young and thought that sounds like a terrible idea! I’ve gotta root for the other side!
Personally, I had a lot of growing up that needed to happen before I was ready to grow into a marriage, but the beauty is: YOU CAN DO THIS HOWEVER YOU WANT!
I love that we were older because we did a ton of traveling and adventuring before kids so now, in my “mom season”, I don’t feel like I’m missing out. Plus, I have more patience and self-awareness and, honestly, I probably would have done something to blow everything up when I was younger just to see if I could. 🙄
Let the other person be who they need to be.
I have ADHD and lose my keys almost every day. Do you know how annoyed I would be if I had to live with myself? Omg, I would be rolling my eyes and stomping around, but Chris just lets me be and helps me look for them, like, 20 times a week.
And, this has been one of the greatest lessons he’s taught me:
Our job isn’t to change the other person or to mold them into who we think we want to be with. It’s to accept them just as they are and then love and support them completely.
I’m still working on this one, but, when I get it right, our marriage sings.
Get to a place of radical candor.
This is one of the gifts of being together almost 20 years. We can say the truth to each other.
When we were younger and early in our marriage, it sometimes felt like we were sitting on a pile of garbage. There were all these unsaids, unresolveds, and annoyances that had built up and we couldn’t really settle in because things were always shifting.
But now, we say the truth - about where we are, what we need, what we see.
It took a lot of therapy and vulnerable practice, but our marriage now feels very clear. Every now and again, a piece of trash will roll by, but it’s easy to clear out because we’re sitting on firm ground.
It takes a lot of time and energy but it’s worth it, I swear.
But, the biggest thing, honestly? I was really lucky.
I took a looooong time finding the right person and, even then, marriage has been a wild ride. I can’t imagine doing this with someone who wasn’t as talented, hilarious, understanding, and laidback as my husband. I’m a handful, who also happens to be AMAZING, so we balance each other out.
What do you think? What’s your best marriage / relationship advice? I love to hear and ponder it all so get talking!